Numb
by greengirl82
Summary: How do you cope when you lose someone that meant everything to you? Post Lauren.
1. Denial

**Numb**

Disclaimer: If I owned Criminal Minds, I'd be a happy camper, but I don't. CBS does.

Summary: Emily really did die at the hands of Ian Doyle, affecting those around her. How do they cope, and can they survive without her.

Timeline: Post '**Lauren**' alternate timeline, disregard '**It Takes A Village'** and Haley never died either.

A/N: I posted this a long time ago, but it was so riddle with mistakes that I took it down to fix it. Will be four chapters. Enjoy.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

* * *

Jean de La Fontaine said, "Death never takes the wise man by surprise; He is always ready to go."

* * *

Reid stood at the front door to the quaint and warm looking little house continuing a repetitive knock. Only there was no answer.

"JJ?" Reid called out "Anyone home?"

Sighing internally the young profiler knocked again and was surprised by the sight by the sight before him.

The blonde agent was a mess. Hair in disarray, clad in her pajamas, and worse of all she looked like she hadn't slept in days.

"Why are you still in bed?" Reid asked.

The blonde opened the door, allowing him entrance, "What time is it?"

"A little after three" Reid asked, "Have you been in bed all day?"

"Maybe I didn't feel like waking up today, Spence." JJ said walking away from the front door and heading into the kitchen.

"JJ?" Reid said "It's been over two months since Emily's..."

The blonde quickly turned around, giving him a sharp look one that stunned him. As caring and loving as she was, she never looked at him with pure contempt or anger.

"Do not even think of finishing that sentence Reid." she threatened him.

"JJ?" Reid asked, startled "What is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" JJ repeated "Oh I don't know, Emily's dead. Hotch disappeared right after the funeral and quit the BAU. You're walking around, basically acting like some emotionless robot and you ask what's wrong?"

The blonde angrily stormed passed him towards the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Leave Garcia's care package on the table and go." she called out.

Reid stared down the hall puzzled by her behavior, shrugging his shoulders he set the package on the table leaving.

Standing in front of the mirror, the blonde looked back at the reflection, not recognizing this new person before her. One that existed in a world without her best friend.

Opening her medicine cabinet JJ pulled out a the tranquilizers that Will got her doctor to prescribe for her and took a handful swallowing them without any water.

JJ walked out of the bathroom got dressed and pulled out the file she had rereading it.

Pulling out her cell phone she dialed the one person she could count on. The only person who knew just exactly how she felt.

"It's me" JJ said "We need to talk in person."

JJ listened to the reply and said "I'll be there."

JJ walked out of her house and passed Will who was carrying Henry.

"Where are you going?" Will asked, perplexed by her sudden change of behavior.

"Out" JJ

"Have you ate anything?" Will asked.

"Not hungry." JJ said getting into the car leaving her fiancee and son standing there.

* * *

Hotch stood in the backroom of the bar he worked at and placed his cell phone down.

Staring at his reflection, all he could see looking back at him was the face of an angry man. One who couldn't move forward or go back.

All he could think about was the last time he saw her. Emily.

Lying on the floor of a dirty warehouse, gasping for breath while Morgan held her hand begging her to stay with him.

_'Let me go'_ she whispered.

He couldn't grieve or mourn. He was stuck in the anger stage.

Glaring back at the mirror he couldn't think of anything but that moment.

His fist collided with the mirror shattering the glass leaving him with torn flesh and blood dripping from the open cuts. But he couldn't feel the pain, only anger.

He hated himself for not saving her, for her having to leave to save all of them. Hated himself for not telling her he loved her.

He hated Ian Doyle for taking her away from him, he hated the BAU for not catching him, and he hated his friend for getting there fast enough to save her.

Hotch was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on his door.

"Aaron?" a voice called "Aaron it's me."

Wrapping his aching hand in a bandana he opened the door, not surprised by the visitor on the other side. Of course it'd be him.

"Aaron?" Dave said.

"How'd you find me?" he asked.

"Garcia sent us over with a care package for you" Dave said. "Morgan's out at the bar if you want to see him."

"Why would I want to see him?" Hotch asked not missing the older man's startled look.

"You still blame him, don't you?" Dave asked "Aaron, it's not Morgan's fault that Doyle killed her."

Hotch turned his back on the older man, changing his shirt. He chose instead to ignore his longtime friend who was placing the care package down on the desk.

"Aaron, we all miss her too." Dave told him, extending the olive branch "We're all worried about you."

"Why?" Hotch asked, looking over at him "I'm fine."

Dave raised an eyebrow at that, looking at the bandaged hand "What happen to your hand?"

The former Unit Chief looked at his hand, shrugging, "I'll live."

Picking up his coat, he walked passed Dave ignoring the concerned look on the older man's face.

But that didn't deter him from following the man out of the small dank room.

"When's the last time you even saw Jack?" he asked "Haley said you missed your last three weekends with him?"

Pausing before he reached the back exit, Hotch turned "I don't know."

Dave saw a look flash in his younger friend's eyes before the mask came back into place and Hotch left the bar ignoring Morgan completely.

Dave turned when Morgan came up to him both watched as their former team leader drove off in a beat up old truck.

They felt like they were losing everyone left and right.

Emily was dead. JJ was a walking zombie. Hotch was gone and Reid he was a walking shell.

The two profilers headed out towards their own car, bound and determined to save their remaining friends.

Losing Emily was bad enough, but they weren't going to watch the remaining members of their team sink into the dark hole that they all felt with her absence.

* * *

"Where is the good in goodbye?" Meredith Wilson

* * *

**To Be Continued... **

Be on the look out for the other chapters, I'm going to be deleting, re-editing and re-posting some of my older stories so just be aware.

Don't forget to leave a review.


	2. Bargaining

**Numb**

Disclaimer: If I owned Criminal Minds, I'd be a happy camper, but I don't. CBS does.

Summary: Emily really did die at the hands of Ian Doyle, affecting those around her. How do they cope and move on without her?

Timeline: Post Lauren alternate timeline, disregard It Takes A Village. Oh, and Haley never died.

A/N: I posted this a long time ago, however it was riddled with so many mistakes that I finally decided to delete, re-edit and re-post. Enjoy.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

* * *

"We only part to meet again." John Gay

* * *

The blonde pulled up to her destination, shutting off the ignition. She paused before she out of her car looking around at the quiet surroundings taking the solace all around her.

It was almost too quiet, but she actually liked it.

Slowly walking towards the headstone she set down the white lilies on the freshly mowed grass surrounding Emily's grave.

Standing up, JJ let out a small sigh shoving her hands into her dark leather jacket. She knew he was behind her. Watching.

She sensed his presence since the parking lot as she slowly turned around stunned by his disheveled appearance.

It only took two seconds to know that he was in as much agony as she was.

Taking a deep breath, "This your first time back here since the funeral?"

"Yeah" Hotch replied walking over to the headstone but keeping a distance from standing directly next to her.

"This should've never happened" JJ whispered, looking over at him "What happened to your face?"

Hotch inwardly winced remembering how Emily use to worry about him "Nothing."

The blonde nodded at that, understanding the need to express grief in one's own way. Her gaze traveled to the bandaged hand.

"The same nothing that happened to your hand?" she asked, her words lightly slurring.

"Since when did you become a drinker?" he asked "I may not be a profiler anymore but I can tell your drunk and on something"

That made her inhale sending him a sharp look.

"Fine, I get it. I stay out of your new personal life, you'll stay out of mine." she told him, watching him agree to it.

Opening her purse, she pulled out a thick manila folder handing it over to him.

"What is this?" Hotch asked, looking down he opened the file staring at the page "Where'd you get this information?"

"It's the reason I needed to see you. I basically took an indefinite vacation from the Pentagon." JJ said "But I grabbed all the information there was before leaving, on Clyde Easter."

"He wasn't her handler" Hotch said still pained to say her name, "We already know that was McCallister."

"He agreed to track him down for us" JJ said looking over at Emily's head stone "He misses her too."

"And this has what to do with me?" Hotch asked looking at the pictures in the file of Emily.

JJ stared at him, shocked by the cold emotionless tone, "He found him."

* * *

Garcia kept her eyes on the photo on her desk, it was one of the few things that she could handle without breaking down completely.

A knock on her office door pulled her from her thoughts, "Come in?"

Plastering on a fake smile when she saw Dave's head peek in, flashing the analyst a smile of reassurance.

"We need to see you up in the conference room." Dave told her "Do you know where Kevin or Reid are at?"

"Reid was dropping off a care package for JJ and Kevin?" Garcia said looking up at the ceiling "I don't know."

"Here..." Kevin said "I had to help the B Team on a case."

Dave looked over at the man, "We need you up in the conference room in five."

Dave shook his head at the image of the uncomfortable couple _'This has to be fixed. We can't all be going on like this.'_

Pulling out his cell phone he walked into his office, "Hey, it's Dave. Can you come to the BAU? I need your help."

* * *

"Now I know where he's at" the blonde told her former boss "All the information we need is right here, in this file."

Hotch looked from the file in his hand to the blonde with hope in her eyes.

"Aren't you going to hand this over to the Bureau?" he asked her, "Or to Metro?"

"I'm not giving it to anyone" JJ told him, her blue eyes cold "Jails too good for that bastard."

"What are you telling me?" he asked her.

"Easter gave it to me" JJ told him, her underline meaning obvious, "Told me I could do whatever I want with it."

"And what exactly are you planning to do?" Hotch asked.

"Giving it to you" JJ said "You're the only other person who can understand how I feel. And you can... we can do whatever with it. With him."

The dark haired man looked back down at the file and handed it back to her.

"I don't want it." Hotch told her.

"What?" JJ asked stunned, clearly he didn't mean that.

"I don't care about him. I don't care about any of it." Hotch told her "And I don't want to start."

"That's a lie, Hotch" she shook her head in disbelief "That's... I know you. Even if you never come here to visit her or got to tell her that you loved her, you still care."

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned walking away from his one time subordinate. He just didn't care anymore.

The blonde agent collapsed on the grass resting her head on her knees, tears falling down her face. Denial was coursing through her mind by from her friend's objection.

"I know you, Hotch" she shouted in the darkening sky, "You loved her."

Hotch sat in his little apartment in the bar staring at Garcia's care package with wary concern. Waying his options left and right.

He didn't expect booby traps, but it wouldn't surprise him if the blonde planted her own personal belongings inside to get him out just to return them.

Looking inside the large box, he was relieved when he pulled out the food, placing it on the table.

Pushing aside the FBI sweat shirt, FBI logo mug and Bureau issued windbreaker, that made him narrow his eyes he knew exactly what she was doing. Subliminal messages.

He paused, frowning when he felt a small yet thick envelope inside the box.

Opening it up he smiled at the Christmas photos from the previous year his heart skipping a beat at image of Jack, Emily and himself in one of the photos.

Setting that aside he took another glance inside to see another set of pictures but these ones dating back to Gideon's days on the team.

He felt his eyes watering at the memory of his earlier treatment of her and her neverending humor and spunk when she finally won over the team. And him.

He hardened his heart at the smiling images, picking up the care package he walked outside throwing away the reminder of the past not bothering to look inside.

He couldn't let himself go down that road again, telling himself it was better to feel nothing then to feel everything.

Taking a seat at the empty table, he grumbled at the sound of his ringing cell phone, wrenching it from his pocket.

"Hotchner" he clipped out, reminding himself that he could go with a hello from now on, "You want me to what? Where?" he sighed, "Fine, I'll be there."

Shoving his phone back into his pocket, he took a sip of his beer looking around the darkened apartment. This was his life now, he told himself, he needs to accept that.

* * *

"Only in the agony of parting do we look in the depths of love." George Eliot

* * *

**To Be Continued...**

Thanks for reading, don't forget to drop a line below.


	3. Intervention

**Numb**

Disclaimer: If I owned Criminal Minds, I'd be a happy camper, but I don't. CBS does.

Summary: Emily really did die at the hands of Ian Doyle, affecting those around her. How will they cope and can they survive without her?

Timeline: Post Lauren, alternate timeline disregard It Takes A Village. Oh, and Haley didn't die.

A/N: I posted this story a long time ago but it was so riddled with mistakes that I decided to take it down, edited and re-post it.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

* * *

"If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again." Author Unknown

* * *

Dave took a seat at the round table, waiting for his visitors. He knew that this was their final option to reach the two most affected by their recent tragedy.

Looking up at the first arrival, Morgan took a seat across from him, giving the older man a nod "Did he agree to come?"

"I talked to him a little while ago, he's on his way" Dave told him,"How about Will and JJ?"

"He said he'd bring her, even if he had to cuff her to himself" he told the older man.

Reid came barrelling in, silent, taking a seat at the table wanting this to be over.

A knock interrupted the three men, watching in relief as Haley stood timidly in the doorway.

"Am I late?" Haley asked nervously.

"No, you're right on time" Dave warmly replied, "Please have a seat."

Garcia and Kevin came tumbling in, each carrying a laptop.

"I hope this works" Haley told them "I don't like seeing Jack so worried about Aaron."

"He's having a really hard time accepting Emily's death" Morgan murmured "We all are."

Haley nodded, shooting them a sympathetic look, though she only briefly met Emily, but from what she did know about the younger woman she liked her.

The blonde hated seeing Hotch in such despair over the brunette's death.

"So how'd you get Hotch to agree to come here?" Garcia asked.

"Told him that Haley needed to see him in a neutral place regarding Jack" Dave said "He reluctantly agreed to come."

A knock on the door frame made every eye shoot to the doorway halting every conversation.

"Thank you for coming" Dave told the visitor.

* * *

"JJ!" Will shouted banging on the bedroom door "Open up!"

"Go away Will" JJ replied, staring at the bottle of tranquilizers on her dresser.

The blonde stood up, glaring at the hanging mirror on the wall.

Anger still coursing through her veins at the idea that Hotch of all people would refused to help. The blonde shook her head, how could he refuse to get justice for Emily?

"I thought he loved her" JJ muttered to herself.

"Loved who?" Will asked, the desperation in his tone evident as he tried to get through to JJ "Please open the door."

Not able to stand the sight of her own reflection anymore, one that mocked her as a failure, JJ walked towards the vanity mirror, tugging on it until it ripped itself from the wall.

Unfortunately for the petite blonde, she miscalculated the weight of the mirror and promptly fell on the floor with the mirror falling on top of her.

"Ow!" she cried out, holding her stomach from the pain of the fall.

A rush of fear hit the cop, and Will kicked in the bedroom door stunned by the sight.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, going over to the blonde .

"That mirror" JJ pointed out, "It fell on me."

"Honey, it was nailed into the wall" Will said "Why'd you try to pull it off?"

"I wanted to redecorate it" JJ offered.

"Come on, JJ" Will said lifting the mirror off of her "Let's get out of the house for awhile. Get some fresh air."

The detective took her hand in his, walking them out of the bedroom towards the living room.

"Wait, where's Henry?" she asked, looking around the quiet home.

"Play date with Jack Hotchner" Will told her.

"I don't want Henry playing with Jack anymore" JJ vehemently told Will.

"Why?" Will asked.

"Because I'm his mother, and I said so" JJ said, her tone was one of finality.

Will decided to placate her with a nod, while leading JJ out to the car not letting her know where they were headed.

Hotch sat outside the BAU in his car with his racing heart. His pulse pounding and he felt like he was on the verge of hyperventilating.

This was the first time he'd step foot near the BAU since Emily's death.

Trying to control his speeding heart, he calmed himself down as he walked into the Federal Building and stepped into the elevator.

Once the doors opened to the BAU floor he was stunned by the two standing in front of the glass doors that led to the bullpen and halted in midstep.

"Agent Hotchner" Will smiled politely, while JJ shot him a look.

"Will" Hotch said confused "What are you doing here?"

* * *

The three were cut off before anyone could respond with Garcia and Dave pulling them through the bullpen.

"What's going on?" JJ asked warily.

"Hey, Jayje" the blonde analyst soft voice greeted.

The panicked look in her eyes was quickly replaced with a glared one levelled at Dave, Garcia and Will.

"You're setting me up?" JJ asked.

Hotch sighed, "What do you want from me?"

"Just come into the conference room" Dave said escorting the reluctant two to the conference room.

The two former BAU agents came into the conference room and were surprise to see Haley in there, and were in for another surprise.

Once seated at the round table they heard a familiar voice from behind them, "What have you two done with yourselves?"

Hotch and JJ spun around watching Gideon leaning on the door frame.

"Gideon?" Hotch said "Why'd you show up?"

"Because I know, more than anyone else know what it's like to lose the woman you love to a sick son of a bitch." Gideon said walking into the room "And end up losing yourself to the grief."

"And we're all here to make sure you two don't go down that road." Dave added.

"We're all here to help you." Morgan said "Even if you blame me for it. I'm not going to let you crawl up and die."

Hotch looked over at Morgan and tried to control the rage he felt inside, not just at him but with himself.

For not getting to her partially blaming him for not getting to Emily sooner, but at himself.

"It'd be better for all of you, and safer for you to stay away from me." Hotch said "I'm a fuck up. No one's safe around me."

"Aaron, don't say that..." Haley began.

"Really?" Hotch said "I barely got you and Jack to safety before Foyet went after you."

"And you stopped him." Haley said "You saved Jack and me."

"But I didn't save Emily!" Hotch said "She's dead!"

Garcia's hands went over her ears as a sob escaped her throat, and Reid tilted his head into his chest.

Anger flared through JJ's eyes and she bolted from the room, Will got up to go after her but stopped when Reid stood up to get her.

"It's me" JJ said into her cell phone "He won't do it, do you think you could do it for me?"

"For her, yes" Clyde Easter said "He'll be taken care of before the end of tomorrow."

"Thank you." JJ said hanging up and turning around to see Reid.

"Who were you talking to?" Reid asked.

"Don't worry about it." JJ said looking at his sweater "Nice sweater."

JJ walked back up to the conference room and saw Hotch looking imploringly in her eyes.

JJ sat back down next to Will not looking in the direction of a suspicious Hotch or Reid.

"It's time to rejoin the living." Morgan told the two who each shot him a glare.

"Nice freaking analogy, Morgan." JJ muttered.

"Sorry" Morgan said "But you two need to stop this darkness you both got around you. JJ?"

JJ looked over at Morgan and raised an eyebrow.

"You walk around like some zombie out of it." Morgan said "Are you on some medication?"

JJ shot Will a quick glance and said "Not your business."

"What are you taking?" Reid asked.

"Anti-depressants and tranquilizers" Will answered hoping to get her some help.

"You are?" Dave asked shocked.

"Gee, why do you think I'm on them?" JJ said sarcastically "My best friend was murdered!"

"Are you taking more than the recommended dosage?" Reid asked cautiously.

"No, Reid." JJ clipped out in anger, "Not all of us turn in to addicts."

A hurt look shot through Reid's eyes and everyone else minus Hotch shot a glare at JJ.

"Look, I'm not on medication, so I really don't seem to need to be here." Hotch said.

"You're here because of the dark place you've gone to." Gideon said "Isolating yourself away from your loved ones."

"You've missed your scheduled dates with Jack." Haley said "Aaron, you need your son just as much as he needs you."

Hotch sighed and said "I'd only screw him up into a version of myself."

"Jack loves you in spite of your faults" Haley said, her face choking in anguish "And we all know you loved Emily."

"We all loved her too," Morgan added "Maybe not the way you did, but we're all family."

"Families don't let themselves get killed." Hotch said "I failed her."

"We didn't kill her." Garcia said "Ian Doyle did."

"And we're suppose to catch him." Hotch said looking over at JJ "And we failed Emily by not getting her killer."

JJ shot him a sharp look, but could see the defeat in his eyes. There was something different there too.

"OK." Hotch said "So what do you want from us?"

"To come back" Dave said.

"I can't ever come back here" Hotch told them, "I'm through with this job."

"Well" Gideon said understanding "Quit the bar and do something different. Something to honor Emily."

"Volunteer with children" Garcia suggested "Or do habitat for humanity, she would've liked that."

Hotch relented, his heart aching as he finally had to accept their help, "I can do that."

The group looked over at the still unnerved JJ who nodded in agreement, "I can do something different too."

The small group felt relief course through them, that they had finally been able to reach their stubborn friends. Not just for them, but for their fallen brunette.

Hotch silently got up, heading for the door, when he walked passed JJ, whispering "Meet me at her grave."

* * *

Rabindranath Tagore said, "Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come."

* * *

**To Be Concluded...**

Thanks for reading, remember to drop a line.


	4. Acceptance of Loss

**Numb**

Disclaimer: If I owned Criminal Minds, I'd be a happy camper, but I don't. CBS does.

Summary: Emily really did die at Doyle's hand. How will the team cope with her loss?

Timeline: Post '**Lauren**' and disregard '**It Takes A Village**' and Haley never died either.

A/N: As I've stated, I've re-edited this and several of my older stories. Here's the final chapter.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.

* * *

Khalil Gibran said, "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

* * *

Hotch stood in front of Emily's simple white head stone, placing his hand on it whispering, "I'm so sorry."

The petite blonde walked through the gravelly road approaching the dark haired man slowly, "Twice in one day?"

"Thank you for showing up." Hotch told her, keeping his eyes trained on the headstone.

She sighed, looking over at him, "I'm here everyday."

"Do you have it?" he asked.

Opening up her large dark purse she pulled out the file, passing it over him, "If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to change your mind?"

Hotch kept his eyes trained on the three resonating words on the head stone, re-reading it to himself, when an image of the brunette entered his memory, it was a pleasant one just of her laughing.

"I just realized I have to do it." Hotch whispered.

"Earlier when you refused to..." she started, her voice dropping a decimal as she looked down at the grass, "I was so angry with you."

He looked over at the blonde who had tears forming in her eyes as her voice broke. She looked so young and so lost.

"When I fled the conference room, I... I called Clyde and asked him to do it..." JJ croaked out.

"And what did he say?" Hotch asked looking at the file in his hand.

"That it would be taken care of before the end of tomorrow" she whispered, sniffling as she looked back at him.

Hotch dropped the file onto the grass while the blonde broke down crying.

When she sank to the ground, Hotch fell on his knees beside his younger friend wrapping his arms around her, tears falling from his own eyes.

"I miss her so much" JJ sobbed out.

"Me too" Hotch whispered.

Both looked over at the headstone of the woman they loved and lost, leaving them both stuck there without her.

"Come on" Hotch whispered standing up, he extended his large hand to hers.

The wind blew in the air and a leaf landed in front of the two mourners next to where JJ's flowers were. A silent agreement was made between the two to keep the secret of the upcoming death of Ian Doyle.

Despite the fact that it was revenge it was the only justice that they could ever get for Emily.

* * *

A Latin Proverb says, "Revenge is a confession of pain."

* * *

**The End **

Hopefully you all didn't want to kill me too much for this story, but a review will suffice to tell me what you all think.


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